In Vonnegut's book time quake, he talks about how a compulsive gambler will lose it all at the gaming tables and then she or he will beg borrow or rob some more dough and
return to say
"deal me in,mac"
and it reminds me of how when I see a car that reminds me of the car of this lady I used to date and have an unhealthy affection for(meaning, she wasn't really there for me in the way I needed ME to be there for me, if that makes sense) and how, despite throwing in my cars and saying I QUIT
each time I see that color of car my heart jumps a bit
cuz I , completely irrationally, still love that lady
who represents 'my mom'
yet my mom(who died when i was small)
ultimately represents my god
who ultimately(for me) represents the need for love and security....
today at my NA group I was gonna share about all this but instead said "Ill just listen-in today
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